i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
