god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
