It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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