I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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