"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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