I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
