I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
