Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
