It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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