pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
