awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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