Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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