i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
