chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
