i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
