i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
