I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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