No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
