is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
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Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
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Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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