turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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