Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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