Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
