Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
