i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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