either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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