Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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