Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
