I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
