In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
