I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
