well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
