no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
