he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
