if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
be right there i have to get my cape
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
