youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
