thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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