I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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