Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
