i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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