margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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