I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
