if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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