Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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