boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
