i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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