she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
