I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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