I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
