youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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