i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
