May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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