Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Randomize
