I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
