There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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