My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
