just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
