We got so high we made milksteak
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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