This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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