if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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