Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
