Don't make out with my wife yet
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
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